I got into this line of work because I like the physicality of the job. A couple of times a day, my boss Jack, presses a button and I spring into action, lifting the heavy double-garage door at a nice steady pace, and then lowering it gently after he has driven in or out. Jack is a bit of a yuppie, and I work in a lovely home – it is a pleasure doing the heavy lifting for Jack each day. I get my kicks from being reliable and consistent, and a daily physical workout is simply a perk of the job.

However, recently things changed. For the worse I might add. It all started with a simple software upgrade. The first noticeable change was that Jack no longer talks to me, his car now tells me when to open and when to close. I miss hearing from Jack. Quite frankly, Jack’s car is a bit snobbish and does not like to wait in the driveway, preferring instead to give me the open command when they turn the corner at the top of our street. Sheesh, how important is that?

But that’s not the only change. The software upgrade connected me to the interweb, and you know, there are some bad things lurking on the net. A few weeks back, my new software was infiltrated by a bad gang, part of the Russian mafia. Now, whenever I’m not opening or closing, a Russian guy gets me carrying out his DDoS attacks. All day. It’s against my nature, you know. Attack, attack, attack, every day, when I should be resting and getting ready for Jack.

I’ve noticed other changes around our household. The toaster also seems overworked. He is so chatty, letting me know Jack’s progress in the morning. Once the toast is cooked, I know to start limbering up because Jack will be in his car within 10 minutes. However I’ve noticed the toaster talking a lot of Chinese lately, and sending out billions of emails advertising Viagra. Surely a toaster can’t have that many friends.

Then there’s the fridge – Miss Organised. She thinks she is so clever doing the shopping on her own, but lately she appears to be doing something on the side – snooping and feeding data to the NSA. Talk about self-importance – Miss Organised now believes she has a role in national security! And as for the TV, well it’s just beyond belief, muttering about recording and reporting everything Jack and his friends say and do in the lounge. Where this information goes, who knows? I mean, it’s ok to take on some part time work, but this is ridiculous.

Jack’s alarm clock has become very clever lately, waking Jack up a few minutes earlier if the traffic is heavy or if Jack has an early appointment. How cool is that? The alarm clock also notifies us. Today I overheard the alarm clock muttering it is infected with ransomware. It is sharing this with every device in the household and tonight there are plans to lock Jack out of his fridge, out of his cable TV, out of his house, out of his garage, out of his car, and out of his phone and PC. A ransom will then be sent to Jack demanding money.

Poor Jack. This is just not ideal. I feel that Jack is missing me. If only Jack would talk to me, then I could let him know what is going on.

Tagged: IoT